Tuesday. july, 3rd. 2012. haven't seen her.

Thursday, july 5th. 2012. i'm home, i mean not paris, since i have to go to the dentist. so, not her. i am tourmented by the idea that maybe i should have taken the pictures with the other camera, because now i can't reproduce it, and i fear i lose it. a lot. i slept with her book in my bed, like a doudou, because i felt empty and afraid. i miss he

Friday, july 13rd. 2012. 12:46. she leaves. blue jeans, white shirt, black coat. i think i won't have time to take a picture, so i don't move. and then, she turns back and look back, and i could have taken a picture, and i haven't and i missed it. now, the big question is: will she come back (in which case i must not go and buy food. or not. or i c

If she smokes, i am hurt. because i fear for her. because she is like m. and is the same hurt all over again. because it make her his. she already his, but even more. he has corrupted her. maybe not.

Monday, july 9th. 2012. she didn't come. i can't be helped. because i want her to help me (with the cuts for example), she's the one i am calling for, i am cutting for her to help me. but at the same time, she is the one whose help i cannot ask, because she would see me as wrong, flawed, and that's the thing i refuse. i need her and ask her to be m

Wednesday, october 24. - i have not slept last night, i could not (or so little), i was haunted by her being so so far away, out of reach. out of my league, some would say. i keep saying i am not delusional, because contrary to sdn, i don't think she will ever have affection for me. as if it was enough. i am delusional. i know she will never exist

Tuesday, october 23. hello darkness my old friend. i fell down. i'm underground. i am down. i am lower than down. i found a video of her and her son, the youngest one, as a baby. actually i only guess it's her. it's like suddenly falling, being remembered how much i don't exist and cannot exist, and have no place anywhere. and there is no way to st

Monday, july 1st. 2012. 9:22. she arrives, i almost miss her( i knew i would, i am angry at myself, so angry). she has a cup of coffee and the purple dress (so maybe it's a good thing we don't meet today, i would not have been able to think straight.) i don't take pictures and i don't go to say hi (i hesitate), there is a hole in my soul. 12:17. i

Wednesday, july 4th. 2012. i can't stay in the observatory. i find another one. 9:48. she arrives, small brown bag, blue jeans (thank god) and light blue shirt (thank god again). now i need to decide on the pictures.

Monday, 20th august 2012. weird. i saw a woman wearing a blue dress at intermarché. i could only see her back, lots of her back and shoulders. and it was weird because it made me think of her3. probably because of her hair, but what i felt was that it was because of the naked shoulders and back. which it weird, since i had noticed earlier that i h